What my fitbit goals look like

First,  let me apologize for not being more funny or entertaining.  I will try to be better at that. But that will have to wait until I'm either pumping at work with my shirt over my head or when the baby is napping. Now,  let's get started.  There are 3 pictures.  This is what it looks like on a work day when I don't get a chance to work out, on a work day when I do work out at work,  and the an unusual day when I walk a ton and actually pay attention to calories.  Which I don't usually do! Keep in mind that not all information is computer as far as water or calorie intake in concerned because,  well,  I'm human and I forget.  So here it is. 

First entry for weight loss stuff

So I was trying over the last week to wrote this entry.  It was long,  and I have a 6 month old baby, so I kept having to stop.  Well,  on the phone app,  it only saves your title as a Draft instead of your whole entry. So I kept losing this long entry!

So I'm keeping this short so I can write while at work,  while pumping lol

I want to get healthy.  I want to get thin.  I want to gain muscle tone.  I want to look good in a bikini by next summer.  I want my daughter to follow by example.  So I'm starting this now.  Here are my stats:

Height 5'5"
Weight 172lbs

I will be weighing whenever I feel likeit.  Not on a schedule.  I will not start taking measurements unless I feel I've plateaued and want to see if I'm losing inches. I will be using my gym at work and walking my daughter on the weekends as exercise. I'm using a fitbit to help me track my goals.  My first goals are to get down to 162lbs, get in 7500 steps per day,  and up my water intake.  I won't be too intense on tracking calories until I'm done breastfeeding.  And I will update this as often as possible,  trying for every few days at least.

That's all for now.  Got to go! Stay tuned!

Where..
is my role model?
is the person that motivates and pushes me to be better?
It was myself there for a while, but I can't really find her. bah! I'm so frustrated!
I feel like I'm not getting ANYTHING important done; just a bunch of meaningless stuff is getting done

Hubby is dealing so much with health issues that I'm trying to concentrate on him.  He can't be super supportive or motivating like he used to be due to everything going on.

Why do I need a role model? Why do I need someone to motivate and push me?  Why can't I do it myself?  I don't know? I couldn't tell you.  All I know is that I've always been that way.  I don't feel comfortable being a leader or having all eyes on me.  I've never had high expectations for myself...not that I actually believed I would achieve anyway.  I never really WANTED to be a super high achiever, actually.  Just seemed like people would expect more of me and I'd let them down or I'd let myself down. Or, I worry that I'll get vain and start to treat other people poorly.  I am REALLY hard on myself.  Of course, I think a lot of people are their own worst critics.

I dunno...I just like being able to rely on people.  I like a mutual support type of deal where someone helps me in one way and I help someone else in another way.  Though, how can I help anyone else if I'm not making any strides on my own?  I flip flop between the two concepts of "people are social beings. people need other people" and "people should be able to be independent and completely self sufficient to be worth anything at all".  It's the whole black and white thinking that I have been working hard to get out of...I just don't know where the gray area is in this particular situation.  Plus, I always lean towards the "people are social beings" idea because I LOVE being around other people.  Then, I sit there and berate myself for not being supremely independent lol.  argh...like I said...I'm frustrating...er...frustrated.  Haha! Okay, I'm both of those things!

Ahhh...good venting session.  Maybe I'll be able to sleep at some point tonight (this morning...it's already almost 1:30am)

So we went on a two week trip to the East coast.  Not exactly a "vacation", but fairly good none-the-less.  The reason for the trip was that two of Mark's childhood friends were getting married.  One on a Saturday and, the next week, the other friend on Sunday.

We started the trip by flying to Newark on a Friday.  We went to the rehearsal dinner for the first couple, which was small, quaint, but still lovely and intimate.  The next morning was a wedding in New Jersey, which was actually BEAUTIFUL, albeit a little over the top.  The site was gorgeous and there was a ton of food lol.  I felt extremely fat later that night haha.  During the wedding, I felt highly...saddened? Disappointed? erm...I don't know?

I was sad we couldn't have a wedding where our families could get together...that, even if we could have, they probably wouldn't due to past circumstances. Sad that our families can't grow up.  I was sad that Mark promised me someday we'd have a bigger wedding like that and that I have known since he made that promise that he would more than likely not keep that promise....but I let him believe I thought he'd keep it.  Which led to the disappointment.  That and the disappointment that I can't even contribute monetarily to our life which makes that wedding an improbability to the extreme.

Well, I hid my saddening and disappointment from Mark.  After the wedding, we went to Yardley, PA to visit Mark's dad and step-mom.  We just relaxed the first night, then the next day had a family barbeque.  The day after, we went to the Camden aquarium and saw cool exhibits. It was fun.  The next few days, we just hung out...went to dinner.  That Wednesday morning, we headed out for Mystic.  Spent half a day there and then headed to Boston.  Well, the driving was horrible and put Mark in a terrible mood.  We finally got to our 4 star hotel that Mark had booked online for less than 50% off.  I thought the hotel was great...for the first night anyway.  We walked around Quincy Market and had dinner. Since Mark's mood had been terrible, we decided to go down to the bar in the lobby and get a few drinks.  We had a lot of drinks (a few guys bought us drinks) and Mark got piss drunk lol.  We had fun and then Mark spent the night in the bathroom.  Next day, Mark was sick.  We walked around Boston a lot that day.  Third day in Boston, we had breakfast and went to Whale watching.  That was amazing!  Then, we went to the aquarium and that was fun as well.  Mark was FINALLY in a good mood.

Next day after that, we went to Salem and nothing opened until 10, even though we got there at 8! Yikes!  So we walked around doing nothing for a long time.  Finally, we saw some cool museums and a reenactment...went into a few shops.  Was fun.  Then, we headed to New Hampshire for the second wedding.  First night there we went to a pre-wedding dinner.  That was nice and yummy!  Next afternoon was the wedding and it was very nice.  Relaxed, but apparently it was also very traditionally Jewish.  It was very nice.  I enjoyed it a lot.  However, we were sitting at a table with people with fantastic jobs (one worked at NASA) and I felt incredibly inferior.  At least most of the night went by before they asked what I did for work.  Anyway...started feeling really shitty.  First, couldn't have a nice wedding where family gets along, then I'm a babysitter who can't find a real job and, if I could, probably wouldn't be able to keep it anyway.

I really didn't want to tell Mark how I felt about it.  The next day, we drove around the area and went and played mini golf, but mostly stayed in the hotel room.  I was glad we were going home the next morning.

Next day was uneventful...just flew and read most of the time.  Got home, went to bed.  Trip was over.  THANK GOD!

I'm just sad that I never got to get a dress, pick colors, pick flowers or food.  I'm sad about the situation with my older sister...and angry about it.  If it weren't for her, maybe we would've actually had a more traditional wedding.  It's weird. I don't regret the way we got married at all.  I was very happy that day.  I just wish I could do it again...like we had planned.  I don't think it'll ever happen.

Now, I want a baby or a puppy or both...I don't think the baby will come for a while as we are not financially able to have a child right now.  We will probably never have a dog again after Jasper.  At least Mark knows how I feel.  sigh...can you tell I'm depressed? lol

Well, I should get going cuz it's pretty late and I'm tired.

I love my husband

and a liter of soda. Whoopdidoo! I feel very unimportant, embarrassed, and stupid for even showing up.

Everyone forgot about my DBT graduation. I've bee in this therapy for a year. I said that's fine and i'm not upset, but i am. :( so we have my oranges