Where..
is my role model?
is the person that motivates and pushes me to be better?
It was myself there for a while, but I can't really find her. bah! I'm so frustrated!
I feel like I'm not getting ANYTHING important done; just a bunch of meaningless stuff is getting done
Hubby is dealing so much with health issues that I'm trying to concentrate on him. He can't be super supportive or motivating like he used to be due to everything going on.
Why do I need a role model? Why do I need someone to motivate and push me? Why can't I do it myself? I don't know? I couldn't tell you. All I know is that I've always been that way. I don't feel comfortable being a leader or having all eyes on me. I've never had high expectations for myself...not that I actually believed I would achieve anyway. I never really WANTED to be a super high achiever, actually. Just seemed like people would expect more of me and I'd let them down or I'd let myself down. Or, I worry that I'll get vain and start to treat other people poorly. I am REALLY hard on myself. Of course, I think a lot of people are their own worst critics.
I dunno...I just like being able to rely on people. I like a mutual support type of deal where someone helps me in one way and I help someone else in another way. Though, how can I help anyone else if I'm not making any strides on my own? I flip flop between the two concepts of "people are social beings. people need other people" and "people should be able to be independent and completely self sufficient to be worth anything at all". It's the whole black and white thinking that I have been working hard to get out of...I just don't know where the gray area is in this particular situation. Plus, I always lean towards the "people are social beings" idea because I LOVE being around other people. Then, I sit there and berate myself for not being supremely independent lol. argh...like I said...I'm frustrating...er...frustrated. Haha! Okay, I'm both of those things!
Ahhh...good venting session. Maybe I'll be able to sleep at some point tonight (this morning...it's already almost 1:30am)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
So we went on a two week trip to the East coast. Not exactly a "vacation", but fairly good none-the-less. The reason for the trip was that two of Mark's childhood friends were getting married. One on a Saturday and, the next week, the other friend on Sunday.
We started the trip by flying to Newark on a Friday. We went to the rehearsal dinner for the first couple, which was small, quaint, but still lovely and intimate. The next morning was a wedding in New Jersey, which was actually BEAUTIFUL, albeit a little over the top. The site was gorgeous and there was a ton of food lol. I felt extremely fat later that night haha. During the wedding, I felt highly...saddened? Disappointed? erm...I don't know?
I was sad we couldn't have a wedding where our families could get together...that, even if we could have, they probably wouldn't due to past circumstances. Sad that our families can't grow up. I was sad that Mark promised me someday we'd have a bigger wedding like that and that I have known since he made that promise that he would more than likely not keep that promise....but I let him believe I thought he'd keep it. Which led to the disappointment. That and the disappointment that I can't even contribute monetarily to our life which makes that wedding an improbability to the extreme.
Well, I hid my saddening and disappointment from Mark. After the wedding, we went to Yardley, PA to visit Mark's dad and step-mom. We just relaxed the first night, then the next day had a family barbeque. The day after, we went to the Camden aquarium and saw cool exhibits. It was fun. The next few days, we just hung out...went to dinner. That Wednesday morning, we headed out for Mystic. Spent half a day there and then headed to Boston. Well, the driving was horrible and put Mark in a terrible mood. We finally got to our 4 star hotel that Mark had booked online for less than 50% off. I thought the hotel was great...for the first night anyway. We walked around Quincy Market and had dinner. Since Mark's mood had been terrible, we decided to go down to the bar in the lobby and get a few drinks. We had a lot of drinks (a few guys bought us drinks) and Mark got piss drunk lol. We had fun and then Mark spent the night in the bathroom. Next day, Mark was sick. We walked around Boston a lot that day. Third day in Boston, we had breakfast and went to Whale watching. That was amazing! Then, we went to the aquarium and that was fun as well. Mark was FINALLY in a good mood.
Next day after that, we went to Salem and nothing opened until 10, even though we got there at 8! Yikes! So we walked around doing nothing for a long time. Finally, we saw some cool museums and a reenactment...went into a few shops. Was fun. Then, we headed to New Hampshire for the second wedding. First night there we went to a pre-wedding dinner. That was nice and yummy! Next afternoon was the wedding and it was very nice. Relaxed, but apparently it was also very traditionally Jewish. It was very nice. I enjoyed it a lot. However, we were sitting at a table with people with fantastic jobs (one worked at NASA) and I felt incredibly inferior. At least most of the night went by before they asked what I did for work. Anyway...started feeling really shitty. First, couldn't have a nice wedding where family gets along, then I'm a babysitter who can't find a real job and, if I could, probably wouldn't be able to keep it anyway.
I really didn't want to tell Mark how I felt about it. The next day, we drove around the area and went and played mini golf, but mostly stayed in the hotel room. I was glad we were going home the next morning.
Next day was uneventful...just flew and read most of the time. Got home, went to bed. Trip was over. THANK GOD!
I'm just sad that I never got to get a dress, pick colors, pick flowers or food. I'm sad about the situation with my older sister...and angry about it. If it weren't for her, maybe we would've actually had a more traditional wedding. It's weird. I don't regret the way we got married at all. I was very happy that day. I just wish I could do it again...like we had planned. I don't think it'll ever happen.
Now, I want a baby or a puppy or both...I don't think the baby will come for a while as we are not financially able to have a child right now. We will probably never have a dog again after Jasper. At least Mark knows how I feel. sigh...can you tell I'm depressed? lol
Well, I should get going cuz it's pretty late and I'm tired.
We started the trip by flying to Newark on a Friday. We went to the rehearsal dinner for the first couple, which was small, quaint, but still lovely and intimate. The next morning was a wedding in New Jersey, which was actually BEAUTIFUL, albeit a little over the top. The site was gorgeous and there was a ton of food lol. I felt extremely fat later that night haha. During the wedding, I felt highly...saddened? Disappointed? erm...I don't know?
I was sad we couldn't have a wedding where our families could get together...that, even if we could have, they probably wouldn't due to past circumstances. Sad that our families can't grow up. I was sad that Mark promised me someday we'd have a bigger wedding like that and that I have known since he made that promise that he would more than likely not keep that promise....but I let him believe I thought he'd keep it. Which led to the disappointment. That and the disappointment that I can't even contribute monetarily to our life which makes that wedding an improbability to the extreme.
Well, I hid my saddening and disappointment from Mark. After the wedding, we went to Yardley, PA to visit Mark's dad and step-mom. We just relaxed the first night, then the next day had a family barbeque. The day after, we went to the Camden aquarium and saw cool exhibits. It was fun. The next few days, we just hung out...went to dinner. That Wednesday morning, we headed out for Mystic. Spent half a day there and then headed to Boston. Well, the driving was horrible and put Mark in a terrible mood. We finally got to our 4 star hotel that Mark had booked online for less than 50% off. I thought the hotel was great...for the first night anyway. We walked around Quincy Market and had dinner. Since Mark's mood had been terrible, we decided to go down to the bar in the lobby and get a few drinks. We had a lot of drinks (a few guys bought us drinks) and Mark got piss drunk lol. We had fun and then Mark spent the night in the bathroom. Next day, Mark was sick. We walked around Boston a lot that day. Third day in Boston, we had breakfast and went to Whale watching. That was amazing! Then, we went to the aquarium and that was fun as well. Mark was FINALLY in a good mood.
Next day after that, we went to Salem and nothing opened until 10, even though we got there at 8! Yikes! So we walked around doing nothing for a long time. Finally, we saw some cool museums and a reenactment...went into a few shops. Was fun. Then, we headed to New Hampshire for the second wedding. First night there we went to a pre-wedding dinner. That was nice and yummy! Next afternoon was the wedding and it was very nice. Relaxed, but apparently it was also very traditionally Jewish. It was very nice. I enjoyed it a lot. However, we were sitting at a table with people with fantastic jobs (one worked at NASA) and I felt incredibly inferior. At least most of the night went by before they asked what I did for work. Anyway...started feeling really shitty. First, couldn't have a nice wedding where family gets along, then I'm a babysitter who can't find a real job and, if I could, probably wouldn't be able to keep it anyway.
I really didn't want to tell Mark how I felt about it. The next day, we drove around the area and went and played mini golf, but mostly stayed in the hotel room. I was glad we were going home the next morning.
Next day was uneventful...just flew and read most of the time. Got home, went to bed. Trip was over. THANK GOD!
I'm just sad that I never got to get a dress, pick colors, pick flowers or food. I'm sad about the situation with my older sister...and angry about it. If it weren't for her, maybe we would've actually had a more traditional wedding. It's weird. I don't regret the way we got married at all. I was very happy that day. I just wish I could do it again...like we had planned. I don't think it'll ever happen.
Now, I want a baby or a puppy or both...I don't think the baby will come for a while as we are not financially able to have a child right now. We will probably never have a dog again after Jasper. At least Mark knows how I feel. sigh...can you tell I'm depressed? lol
Well, I should get going cuz it's pretty late and I'm tired.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
one week and one month
A week and a half from now, I will be married!!!! Very excited! Going to Vegas so it can be just the two of us and then when we can have a bigger family/friends wedding, we will do that in a few years, probably.
My therapy at unmh is going to end in one month...sometime in February or March. It's difficult to think about. It's worrysome to think I may be on my own without the huge amount of support I get 3 times a week. I just cried for half the day.
Well, I know it's a short entry, but that's all I have to say really.
Love,
Me
My therapy at unmh is going to end in one month...sometime in February or March. It's difficult to think about. It's worrysome to think I may be on my own without the huge amount of support I get 3 times a week. I just cried for half the day.
Well, I know it's a short entry, but that's all I have to say really.
Love,
Me
Monday, January 4, 2010
can't sleep, but doing well...
I'm sitting here watching lots of desperate housewives cuz I can't sleep. LOVE this show! I forgot my meds this morning, so my brain is going so fast! I keep thinking about how I'm getting married in 12 days! 12 DAYS!!!! Also, I keep thinking about starting my own cat sanctuary. OMG! So much going on in my head. I also keep wanting to do boot camp. I feel so fat!!! I don't know what else to say, really!
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