Where..
is my role model?
is the person that motivates and pushes me to be better?
It was myself there for a while, but I can't really find her. bah! I'm so frustrated!
I feel like I'm not getting ANYTHING important done; just a bunch of meaningless stuff is getting done

Hubby is dealing so much with health issues that I'm trying to concentrate on him.  He can't be super supportive or motivating like he used to be due to everything going on.

Why do I need a role model? Why do I need someone to motivate and push me?  Why can't I do it myself?  I don't know? I couldn't tell you.  All I know is that I've always been that way.  I don't feel comfortable being a leader or having all eyes on me.  I've never had high expectations for myself...not that I actually believed I would achieve anyway.  I never really WANTED to be a super high achiever, actually.  Just seemed like people would expect more of me and I'd let them down or I'd let myself down. Or, I worry that I'll get vain and start to treat other people poorly.  I am REALLY hard on myself.  Of course, I think a lot of people are their own worst critics.

I dunno...I just like being able to rely on people.  I like a mutual support type of deal where someone helps me in one way and I help someone else in another way.  Though, how can I help anyone else if I'm not making any strides on my own?  I flip flop between the two concepts of "people are social beings. people need other people" and "people should be able to be independent and completely self sufficient to be worth anything at all".  It's the whole black and white thinking that I have been working hard to get out of...I just don't know where the gray area is in this particular situation.  Plus, I always lean towards the "people are social beings" idea because I LOVE being around other people.  Then, I sit there and berate myself for not being supremely independent lol.  argh...like I said...I'm frustrating...er...frustrated.  Haha! Okay, I'm both of those things!

Ahhh...good venting session.  Maybe I'll be able to sleep at some point tonight (this morning...it's already almost 1:30am)